To be willing to ‘go there’ and see and own our truth, individually, and collectively, we must cultivate commitment.

I wrote in my last post about the idea of holding a safe space, particularly in the journey to creating racial equity in our world, with the goal of creating a symphony among our voices so as to accurately manifest what we collectively desire. 

I shared about how, in response to the terrible killings of unarmed Black Americans (which continues), my initial tendency is to want to jump into action. And I did take a variety of actions, and will continue to. However, as I’ve taken them, the biggest ah-ha that opened up for me was the need to hold space right now, rather than forward my own agenda, however well-intentioned.

In this post, I’d like to build on this by sharing about the outcome of holding space — commitment. 

As you read the transformational perspective I’m sharing via this platform, I invite you to remember that staying focused on the big picture of collective transformation and how transformation works does not mean you don’t also do the physical things now… like speak up, educate yourself, buy from Black-owned businesses, protest, write your government representatives, sign petitions, donate your time and money, and VOTE. 

For me to add my voice to the conversation in a way that adds value, I want to bring the perspective of what it takes to move toward true transformation of this long-held pattern of racism. 

AND, this is also the same way we move transformation forward in our own lives and with our clients. 

I’ve seen a few posts this week (I have been selectively entering the world of Facebook) about people being all “love and light” about what is going on in the world. I believe the ‘high vibe’ perspective is important, but it is not enough. 

As you know I am all about raising our energy field to align with the outcome we seek. And it is a NICE IDEA to think that the way to do that is to meditate and think high-vibe thoughts. This can work for someone who has already done a lot of transformational work, and only needs a REMINDER of their high vibration, because they have experienced it before, and done the work  to explore and release the underlying truth about why they held their old vibration. 

But when someone has never sat with the TRUTH of the OLD WAY (their default energy), they are not yet ready to go all high-vibes. They are using that idea of being in high vibration to lie to themselves and avoid looking at ‘what is so’ about what has been going on. Anyone who has truly done the work will tell you that before they shifted to a new energy field, they had to get real about what was so. 

So when you see people posting about the ‘love and light’ healers who are spiritual bypassing their relationship to, and contribution to, racism, this is what they are talking about. Using spiritual teachings about vibration as a reason not to look into their own shadows.

Getting real about what is so means looking in the shadows. All humans have shadows. They are not necessarily ‘bad.’ In fact the less we judge them as bad, the more we will be willing and able to look there and bring the truth out of the shadow and into the light. The shadow has to do with the parts of ourselves that we have hidden from view because we, likely based on someone’s external feedback or influence, judged them as dark and wrong and thus needing to be hidden. 

WE ALL HAVE SHADOWS.

We hide things (even from ourselves) to fit in, to toe the line, to survive in a scary world. And then we design our lives to justify what we’ve hidden. 

To transform we must ‘go there’ and begin to poke around in our shadows and own what’s been true up until this point.

This is often painful and messy. Which is why we avoid it. 

*** Note: This doesn’t have to be painful and messy if we don’t resist what is so. But when we do resist, which we often do because we feel shame when we see it, it can feel like ripping the bandaid and pouring salt in the wound. 

So, if we need to look at the truth in the shadows in order to create transformation, and looking is something we avoid because it is often painful and messy, what do we do? 

In working with hundreds of clients on retreat and even more in our programs, I’ve watched the process of transformation in individuals, and in small groups, and here is what I’ve learned: 

Before we can even think about doing the work that will lead to a whole new vibration (TOTALLY POSSIBLE), we need to cultivate commitment.

Once we are committed to transforming something, we will be divinely, energetically, and practically guided, carried by momentum to the throne of the truth. Meaning, when commitment  is clear, the fear of what we will see in the shadow is small in comparison to your commitment  to a new future. And we will be WILLING to see the Truth.

This is the only place from which we can create a new future.

So, to be willing to ‘go there’ and see and own our truth, individually, and collectively, we must cultivate commitment.

While many people right now want an answer – to COVID, to racism, and then some, the new possibility is not yet ready to appear. There may be lots of ACTIONS that come as a RESULT of the new possibility – like police reform, equity in education, redistribution of resources, and more. But first, commitment.

You may personally be in a place of commitment to equity, and that is great.

But how can we cultivate collective commitment (a symphony)?

I know that if you are someone who has been ready to see resolution to this systemic injustice for a long time, you are impatient. Four hundred years impatient for some. I get that and I agree. Yet, for the first time the videos and reporting is helping to bring light to shadows in a way that more people can hear it. For more and more people, the pain of being where they are is greater than the fear of what they will discover if they commit to transformation. 

We can’t let up on cultivating commitment right now. 

Many are going to action, and if someone isn’t  committed they will resist the action. They will fight against ideas for possibility that don’t align with theirs. But if we can stay in the commitment stage a bit longer than is comfortable, long enough for a critical mass of people to be FULLY PRESENT to their own, internal and personal, discomfort at what is so, or the way what is so is in conflict with their true desire, we will create a critical mass of commitment to transform this at the root.

You’ve heard the idea of pulling the weed out from the top versus pulling the weed out at the root. When we dig deeper, we eliminate the ‘problem’ altogether. But we get dirty in the process! 

The more we can focus people on their own internal commitment, and bring our uncle and our colleague present to their own discomfort, the greater the chances that we pull this thing out by the root.

If you are reading and you aren’t yet committed to the anti-racist movement, please look within at what racism is COSTING YOU, and what you are GETTING OUT OF IT. 

Draw a line down the center of a paper and write COST on the left and BENEFIT on the right, and fill these columns in with what systemic racism is costing you, and what you are getting out of it. And get real about this. Stay present to it. Until we do this work, we may simply be donating to a cause or buying a book to alleviate guilt and avoid looking deeper. This is what has been happening, and it hasn’t worked! 

By the way, while I am speaking from the perspective a white female-identifying person, I recommend everyone from all backgrounds do this exercise – even if you feel you are very present to the cost. Spending this 10-15 minutes will help you be a better advocate for cultivating commitment in others. 

And, I trust you. I trust you to get real with yourself, and I trust your inner knowing to decide what you do with this information today. For some of you, you may ask two people to examine their own commitment to change by looking at the reasons they have also been committed to keeping things the same. For others you may be speaking to an entire tribe about their commitment, and for others you may be quietly looking at what’s been true for you and committing to yourself to show up in confidence around your commitment. 

[If you choose to speak to an audience, check out the recent episode of Patriot Act on Netflix entitled “We cannot stay silent about George Floyd” for inspiration about creating commitment]

When you are committed, when your Uncle is committed, when the critical mass of society is committed, the truth shows up. 

I’ll speak more about truth next week, and some of the costs and benefits you may not think to explore.

In my forthcoming book (prelaunch book study in process) I walk through the Anatomy of a Transformation with stories, tools, and detailed examples. 

Stage 1 of transformation is Commitment. 

Cultivating commitment consists of two things: DISCOMFORT and DESIRE.

I mentioned this earlier. To commit to transformation we must be either present to our discomfort with what is, or present to our desire for something different, or some combination of the two.

If you get (or are) committed personally to standing for change, focus here — getting people present to their discomfort with the status quo, and getting people present to their desire for a new possibility.

Don’t move into the ‘fixing’ (transformation) until you’ve helped at least 10 people find their own internal commitment. 

Don’t post your ideas for how the systems need to be reformed until you’ve posted your own sharing about the cost and benefit of systemic racism for you personally. 

Don’t ‘teach’ how people should change or what they should believe until you’ve offered to your community a space where they can get present to their discomfort and desire. 

As I type this I will take my own advice. Let’s all do this exercise this week and share our findings (me too) and in doing so we will open up the space within our community for others to follow suit. 

Comment below “I’m in” if you are up for doing this exercise with me in honor of cultivating commitment (transforming out loud). EVEN IF you think you have nothing to transform… do the exercise! 

By the way, nothing I am teaching here is in a vacuum, or only about anti-racism. The same thing is true for your work with your clients, and your transformation in all areas. Doing this work around race will transform you in all-the-areas. 

If your clients aren’t in commitment to their own internal transformation, you can give them all the best advice, and teach all-the-things, but nothing will happen except your mutual frustration. 

Their DISCOMFORT + DESIRE, and getting present to this gap, will create their commitment to their transformation. In any area. If you are willing to walk there with them and guide them to  the gap, they will receive better results from all of your work together. 

But for today, I invite you to focus on our collective commitment as a society to ending racist society for good. 

Love,
Darla

PS: One thing that may add to your lists in your exercise is understanding why we have been committed to duality and better/ worse energy in our culture. Check out this awesome video and spiritual message on the topic of duality and healing by Jerome Braggs (opens in Facebook).

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I love making things better – how about you? 

It likely comes from my childhood of watching the people around me in struggle and trying to figure out how I could adapt or insert myself to ease their burden. 

Or perhaps it is simply my inner empath wanting to get some relief from feeling other people’s pain by helping them get out of pain.

Likely it is some combination. 

In my last post I spoke about feeling our feelings. Because being present to our feelings is actually a prerequisite to healing. 

Today I’d like to share about something I noticed within myself over the last week that may be helpful for you as a transformational leader, and someone who is committed to a higher vibe resolution to our social unrest and injustice.

Last week I moved through a wide variety of emotions as I watched the protests unfold in our country, and experienced my own feelings, and the feelings of the collective consciousness at a deep level. While I did not protest on the front lines, I was with the protestors in spirit. 

The range of feelings are not yet resolved, and I don’t have any answers for you about how to resolve yours, simply questions that will help you to connect with Source as a guide. 

We are absolutely being invited by spirit to tune in and come from a higher place as we choose our actions at this time. 

Before we act, however, we need something first. I want to share a conversation I’ve been having with myself and my loved ones of various races. 

What if you could be a space, and not a savior?

So first, I am having this conversation as a reflection on how we can move forward to create more unity and equity in our society. This is specifically what is bringing this up for me, and I am committed to staying in that specific conversation.

That said, when we work with our energy in one area, we also work with our energy in all the other areas as well. As I have been taking on this exact conversation in my world that I’m about to explore with you, I have seen shifts in my love relationship, and in how I am relating to my business. 

The exact question, what if you could be a space, and not a savior, applies 100% to your relationship with your clients on their transformational journey as well.

OK, so here’s what happened.

When I watched the two videos back to back, as many did, of the killing of George Floyd and the racist phone call to the police in central park, I knew inside of me that my life would not be the same.

Interestingly, I had had a conversation with the spirit of my dog who passed a few weeks ago just before this happened. (How this happened is for another day). He showed me that I was going to need to dust off my diversity training from my corporate life and get ready. He said that he had been protecting me in his life, and now I was strong, and it was time. I knew he was right, I just had no idea this was going to be a global transformation. (And I believe it is).

So I’d been percolating on how to bring anti-racism to the forefront of my work for about a week thanks to Monty, and then I saw the videos.

Because I had had training in my past – intensive training to hold space for conversations about ‘social distance’ which included race, gender, age, and sexual orientation – and I had been ‘in the conversation’ of racism in my time as a public high school teacher, when these events happened I felt ready. I had been thinking about what to do differently to be more proactive for some time. I had ideas in a notebook already. I thought I was ready. 

And to those reading this who are judging me for having had ideas in my notebook that I hadn’t acted on, I get it. I can only offer to you that I have judged myself quite harshly as well. Then recognized I would not create transformation from that energy. But I am willing to receive any pain it will cause in reading this and knowing I could have done better as an ally from the start. I apologize that I waited so long.

With my list of ideas…

Because our world was hurting, because I had already decided that I would be a better ally, and because I had written down ideas almost three years ago, and because I have a lifetime of training in “trying to make things better,” I was ready for action. 

But, here’s the thing. Action wasn’t what was called for last week. 

As I joined calls, and Facebook conversations, and read and engaged last week I discovered this so deeply. It was a big ah-ha. I may have felt like I was ‘ahead’ because I had my list of ideas, but I was actually out of sync with the collective energy of transformation. 

As we saw across social media, it has been a time for listening, especially for white people. Listening and learning (even though I had lots of past training, I have had a lot of learning to do). 

More than listening (in addition to listening) this has been a time for holding space. For being a space for the conversation to be had, and for those speaking to be witnessed.

This is so important. I want you to get this for yourself as a leader who is committed to implementing anti-racist systems in your business, and also as a coach or retreat leader.

From the coach standpoint, so often we want to come in with the ‘answer’ to look like we are a step ahead, or to simply move someone out of pain as quickly as possible. 

But in coaching thousands of clients and leading more than seventy retreats at this time, I have learned that this is rarely the right approach. 

Many times over the years I have given clients fabulous solutions that they didn’t implement. I am guessing you have too. Because we need to first bring a space and a listening to the table. To work with the current energy and get clarity of intention.

Transformation isn’t just about the action, it is about the energy. 

When we want to bring an answer to our clients, because we think we know it, and we want to help them avoid pain, we will be met with resistance because the intention isn’t ‘clean.’ They don’t want the answer from you. They want to be in ownership of their own answer. “No one believes anything until it comes out of their own mouth.” 

(I got this quote from my friends Molly Ola Pinney and Aja Davis, transformational leaders and an interracial couple, who are facilitators of the Facebook group  (White people. DOING Something  ). They are doing a beautiful job facilitating and creating a space and I highly recommend it for people from all backgrounds). 

If we want to move a CLIENT to a solution before they, and we, have gotten present to where they are and what they truly want, we will be giving lots of advice that doesn’t land (trying to be a savior) and we’ll feel anxious because things aren’t changing for them as fast as we would like. We want to fix it and get them (and us) out of the pain, and leave us looking good.

If we want to move OURSELVES, and / or the collective, to a solution before we are present to what is so, and what we truly want, it also won’t land. (I’m talking truly… the inner work…  the hard awareness of our internal beliefs). We’ll be wanting to fix a situation to get us out of pain, or to look good. (This is exemplified in the white savior concept. And I think all of us have a tendency to want to get out of pain, and also to look good, I know I do.)

We do need solutions and actions to be allies. And if there are actions you can take immediately in alignment with how Source is calling you to show up, do them quickly and without fanfare. 

But because there is a collective movement afoot, we need to hold the space to get clear and aligned about our commitment as a collective (as many as possible) before we can access the best solution. 

This weekend we had our friend Javeon Butler over. Kimmi brought Jay into our ‘business family’ several years ago as a partner in various video projects after meeting him at an event. Jay is the super talented 28-year-old Black business owner of J. LaRay Media who Kimmi shoots events with, and who I have hired quite a few times (he did all the editing of the Retreat and Grow Rich course – woohoo!).  Jay lives in Houston and Kimmi has been in communication with him about what he may need and offers of support. 

Jay decided that getting away from Houston would be so supportive to him (he’s been protesting all week), so he asked to spend a couple nights with us (our first house guest!) In addition to getting out in nature and eating great food, we spoke at length about what is happening in the world. We held space for him. He held space for us too. And I saw again how space is what was needed at this time. We explored solution-oriented ideas at times, but we primarily shared our experiences and our commitments and we held space

.

On Sunday we ‘went to church’ together – virtual attendance of the Lighthouse Church in Houston (Jay films and produces it! Check it out!)

The message couldn’t have been more perfect. The pastor spoke on the topic of “How to get a prayer through.” 

Do you want to know how Pastor Henderson says to get a prayer through? AGREEMENT. 

He said: “God loves when we come to him of one accord. God loves when the sound comes together like a symphony. God is in love with the sound.”

He also said: “We can’t experience God because we can’t find agreement. Don’t focus on your personal prayer, seek to create a symphony.” 

Now when I was thinking of my anti-racist efforts as ‘what I can do’ and I was itching to take action on them, I knew I couldn’t do it alone to be sure, but I definitely wasn’t seeking to create a symphony. 

• I am definitely seeking to be a clear stand for anti-racism.
• I am definitely seeking to hold space for our retreat leaders to be clear about how they will hold space for conversations about race that come up on their retreats, because they have done their own work.
• I am definitely seeking to bring in experts who will be able to see my blind spots, and hire them and work with them myself and in our programs.
• And I recently added seeking to be a voice and educate people who are spreading misinformation, taking some of the burden off of those who have been doing this for so long. 

But I have to tell you the truth, I have not been seeking to create a symphony.

This was one of those hand-on-forehead-emoji moments as I put together my insight about space holding with this message about symphony. 

As a retreat leader who is holding space for transformation, while each person has a different goal or agenda on retreat, we find, for the space of the weekend, a unified energy. The prayer gets through. With the shared agreement (I call it commitment), the transformation can commence. 

Some participants may be more committed, and some less committed, but the energy of the collective commitment creates a life all its own.

How would we even begin to have this happen on a global level? We hold the space for the symphony.

Having the ‘right’ answer and preaching it, well that will get us so far. (Kimmi constantly preaches to me about the right place to put the bowls in the dishwasher but it only gets her so far.)

Holding space for hearts to align, for a collective joint prayer, this is magic.

Holding space doesn’t mean keeping your mouth shut.

When you hold space as a retreat leader, you are holding an intention and sharing in alignment with that intention. And it is not just you as a leader who is doing this. The collective sharing helps keep the space sacred and forward the intention.

If you are holding space for truth, for example, and your intuition tells you that someone is not being truthful with themselves, you gently reflect back your experience of them. And you allow them to decide how they wish to receive that reflection and move the conversation forward. 

You are tuned in and intentional. You’re not fixing or saving (I tried this at times in my early retreats – no bueno!) You are not forcing your agenda. But you are also not allowing the wind to blow you this way and that. You are present, receiving, working with the energy, and trusting your divine guidance. 

All of these skills apply to transforming our conversation about race in the country. How might your voice help hold space for a grand symphony in the coming months?

This is the question I’ll be asking myself this week. Next week we will talk about collective commitment. See you soon!

Love,
Darla

Want to start creating better client results by working with your magic now?

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